IMPERFECT Lady

A Tough Pill to Swallow!

I finally finished listening to "The Center Cannot Hold - My journey through madness" by Elyn R Saks.  

A very interesting perspective between the woman, the illness, and her career self; how to deal with them all without having them bleeding each other.  

And the stigma that is still attached to illnesses of the mind...and yet we 'normal' folks are dancing around the lip of insanity as well, each time we con others into believing things that are not true about ourselves...or when we are not truthful and authentic as we live our lives, and make our daily choices.

What is considered a mind disease?  Is it not when our thoughts and our words don't match?  How often do we lie to ourselves and others, knowingly, making a choice to appear better than we are?

From what I understood by her book, is that her psychosis was illusionary...it wasn't real.  How then can we say we are not psychotic when we step away from reality?

It almost seems like her psychosis is equal to ours, neither of us are in reality...except she can take a pill that will push back the illusions. Is there a pill that will make us speak the truth?

When you look at the mind illnesses and even mood illnesses, you have to wonder what causes the imbalance?  Is it reality or the way we were taught not to be there?

I know that some in my family of origin believe that I have gone over the edge, that I have lost my mind, when I am in fact standing hip to hip with reality.  I will no longer pretend to pretend to pretend.  I am unwilling to join them in illusion, and I am seen as the problem...not that there is a real issue in reality.

What I also found so striking in her book is her fight against the illness, due to its stigma and consequences in her life IF it were known.  Mind illnesses are so frightful to us all, we like to believe we all are always standing steady in reality, when we more often are unwilling to go there, BUT are not considered insane.

Insane means, "not of sound mind".  What is a sound mind?  Or what is an unsound mind?

For myself, I would say, that I was more comfortably accepted in my first 46 years of life, while I lived in illusion about many things....my family, my church and my self, compared to when I flopped out of the illusion or insanity.

Perhaps for each family or individual, 'insanity' is objective and selective.

What is the cost of aligning your life and your illusions? Would it cause you to feel anxious or fearful if the two were to collide and not match? How many of your friends and family are with you in the illusion?  Would it cost you your life as you know it to step out and into the truth of what you feel?

Each time we ignore what we feel and do the opposite, we are dabbing our toes into illusion.  We are asking our minds to join us outside of reality. We do this often enough, that eventually we live there more than in reality. We have left reality and there is no magic pill to get us back. The only way back is to stand with our feelings...to honor our inner knowing, regardless to the cost or the uncomfortableness of those outside of us.

I believe it would be harder to find folks who are one with their mind, body and soul...those who are living authentically.

And yet we look down upon those with mental illnesses, while daily we preform all acts of mental gymnastics to spare us from reality.

Insanity; a deranged state of mind...unsound.  I believe we are all on the spectum of being insane...and while most will not speak of it openly, but will profess behind your back your lack of stability in reality.

Whether you will admit it or not, most of us are more comfortable with the insane than with those who are standing as one with the truth of what is.

It appears very few want to know the truth, its sounds and echos, its feelings and knowings, more are at ease in the land of pretend.

To bad there is not a pill that would make us all live authentically.

An awareness pill.

Reality...It is a tough pill to swallow!

Turn down the Volume on Responsibility.

I see the finish line, the last few feet, and I already want to sit down and FEEL the absence of daily caring.  It isn't that you have to do this or that, but that you are on call, that it is your responsibility to wash clothes, to clean behind, to feed, buy groceries, pay attention to their schedule, to urge, remind, remember, deal....the active daily mothering is about to end.

I can't even remember, at least not clearly, what it feels like to just have my husband and I living without the added weight of children.  It isn't like they are constantly in need, but you are not free either...like an invisible tether, you feel them holding on.

I am ready to be free as he is ready to be free.  Which is the natural evolution of parenting, to be there until they can fly alone...and flying solo is our goal.

I am sure, I didn't think, think, THINK about the consequences in life about having children, they seem so cute and little and cuddly and nice and easy...like adding sunshine to your life.  You don't see the whole picture, until they are leaving...or feel the weight you signed up for until it is gone.

We have had children living with us for almost 26 years.  During that time I have undergone a huge emotional upheaval and many estrangements...and made inner changes that deeply affected my children. Some for the good and others made their lives more complicated.  Mostly, my role as mother changed as much as I did....for how could it not.  

Being a mother is you being you....with children who look up to you and toward you for their needs...and how you respond will impact their worlds.

I recall the vivid turning point in the relationship with my son...and I can recall the old me and me trying so desperately to change in how I mothered him.  How much of his life was damaged by me and then how I learned to do things differently, at least most of the time.

Even in his last week, he does what teenage boys do and I do what mother's do...meet head to head wanting completely different things.  Passing through me is the old rage flavor, but I don't even dip my toes into it.  I go and do something I can control, like make tea.

It seems that I could not have gotten over the finish line of my healing without the children I have given birth to, they are my greatest teachers in changing the pattern. 

Now, it is time to see the patterns taking form in their lives.  Where they are picking up the baton and beginning their lives...well He is picking up the baton.  He doesn't even know how much of the first part of the race his father and I have run, but he will certainly become aware he is on his own...when he is living in another state.

And, we will feel the empty hands and hollow space of responsibility.

Our list will be shorter....and the tasks not so crucial, nor will they have the same impact that parenting has.

I am not sure that I will ever have this type of responsibility again, that compares to mothering.  It is a 24/7 job, you are never not on call.  

With the children now being out on their own, I feel a distance between me and their needs.  I can see that in the future, we will be the second string, we will come in when the big guns are needed.  And, it is my dearest hope, that we will be spared knowing that kind of tragedy...and yet I also know, we both will gladly take back the baton, when crisis arises.

Until then, we can turn down the volume on responsibility.

(photo taken quite a few years ago....)

Useful and Beautiful.

There was a criteria for organizing your home by which each item has to be useful or beautiful, and the rest released.  (from the book, Simple Abundance, by Sarah Ban Breathnach)

How interesting to look at your home from those lenses.  I have way too much stuff that is just simply stuff.  I will reduce the useless energy and extra work that the stuff adds to my life....It is like clearing out weeds to see the beauty that you enjoy.

I will be able to see the real things I love and use, when I get rid of the things that have a weak reason to be in our home.

I have emptied walls and drawers for cleaning purposes, but will take the time to filter out the things I no longer find value in.  

Our home will then be easier to be in.

I wonder how much of the rest of our lives are cluttered with things we do not find joyful, beautiful or useful?  Will this technique work as well on that?

It was amazing to me how much I had around that didn't matter.

I think I hung on to things out of being lazy, being afraid that I may need them at some point, or maybe not wanting to take the time to ask if it was useful or did it carry a connection to me.

How many relationships do I have that are no longer useful or beautiful?  Are we too afraid to look closely at them?  How much of a drag do they have on our lives?  Is it truly possible to filter our whole lives by useful and beautiful?

Step through the Fear?

How much does fear play a role in your life? How many things do you do, that you don't want to do, because of fear of not doing them? Or, how many things do you want to do, but fear is standing in the way?

Back on the Ex-Toots blog, there is a list of 44 things that are a sin in the Old Apostolic Lutheran Church.  And, there are questions as to why?  Who decided doing this or that is a sin?

It wasn't the insane things on the list that caught my attention, but rather how many adhered to the rules without knowing the basis of why it wasn't okay to do them. Like women not being allowed to wear pants....men, neckties...for example.

And, it isn't that folks want to follow, but they are afraid NOT to follow....for each rule has a fear attached to it, mainly Hell if you don't follow and shunning or ridicule for standing out and doing the said fashion sin.

Fear is being put into them, not a reasonable reason as to why not.

What I find funny, is that without fear, the rules would be silly.

Can fear really take the silly and make it scary?

Can fear make people do things they normally would not do?

Is it possible to make a large group of people conform without fear being the impetus?

If it wasn't so tragic it would be laughable, to so many.  How they have given up the rights to their bodies, their fashion sense, their right to have or not have children, to move around the world curious and follow their inner delights and excitement....and instead of frozen in place with fear.

I know many will suggest that they are choosing this lifestyle, except that they have not been allowed to choose.  It isn't a choice if only one way is offered...and fear separates the choices.

Fear seems to be an energy that is standing in the way of freedom...a gate that feels impenetrable.

If you don't leave out of fear, are you really free?  Or are you just afraid to step through the fear?

Change in our Homes.

Real signs of Spring along the mail route!

You can see the brown that surrounds them, but tuffs of green sprouting up!

Love the surprise and changes I see...each day, if you look closely it's a new painting...nature, doing what nature does...Change.

A mind game at its worst.

In the extoots blog I follow and comment on ( http://extoots.blogspot.com ) a response from Finland caught my attention...or a few sentences, where the church is once removed from the congregation in times of trouble.

"The sexual abuse scandal was badly managed by the SRK leaders, it looked like they got everything wrong in communicating it to the media, right from the start. However, for those who want to go the truth behind the headlines, it is also quite obvious that there never was any institutionalised abuse (such as in e.g. the Catholic church) but the incidents occurred inside families. In those circumstances, it is difficult to hold the congregation responsible especially when the official teaching has always been that crimes do not go away by the forgiveness of sins. (Unfortunately there were exceptions to this rule, and in a few cases, the congregation lay preachers were involved in hiding such crimes and criminals from the police, and also preventing the victims from getting help. This is not acceptable and I am very sorry for this ever happening in my religion.) 

What makes the FALC or other like minded religions different from the abuse within the Catholic Church, is that the abuse is happening within the families. It isn't the "leader" of the church so to speak. So, the church can't be held accountable.  It isn't the institution that is doing the abusing, but rather the members of their organization, not the organization.

Like "the church" somehow gets to escape, that "the religion" isn't where the crimes are occurring, but outside of it.  Like church and religion are actual entities....one stepped removed from family.  Yet it is infiltrating each family with its teachings.

To me, it is like preserving the integrity of "Family" while abuse is happening by my father...as if he isn't part of family.

I can't see how they can separate one from the other.

Where in the church is there actual accountability to the law of the land, to the safety of the children, to the integrity of its message of high morals and values when it wants to keep its distance between It and the People?

It rules the people, but doesn't want to be affected by the actions of people.

It controls the people, but will not take control for the people's actions.

I am not sure if others can see this slight but wide gap between their responsibility and the lack of owning it.

While telling folks what to do, they fail to see what they are doing...and then totally disappear when $%#@ hits the fan.

The powerful energies that preach these rules become silent and apathetic in the face of tragedies...'not responsible'...when those they control go out of control.

Hard to hold the church responsible as much as it is hard not to.

How interesting that the church boards are free of all negligence, while dictating how so many live their lives.  

While I wanted to blame the church, I also had to see    how much of my life I had given over to the church.  I just didn't know it would NOT take responsiblity for the aftermath of what it preached. It is like it is only responsible for the out flow, not the backlash.

I had to own my lack of self care and my own rights I had reliquished to the church...AND, I had to see what they did with me. They didn't care for me, they didn't protect me, they didn't even seem to notice they were holding all of me. 

Again, not sure I can articulate the disappearing church we gave our self to.

Giving up our lives, our choices, our freedoms to this thing. And this thing disappearing right before our eyes and us with it.

How the church doesn't want to be seen in the families its controlled...when the church was such a large seen force that molded many families....how can it then disappear?

And what happens when it does?

A mind game at its worst.

Unplugging and Being Free!

"When you are a mother you are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always has to think twice - once for her self and once for her child."  Sophia Loren

As I look upon Mother's day, I see my mother and I see me mothering.  I see how mothering doesn't come with a clean slate, that the child doesn't make you a better mother depending upon his or her life, but rather it is all set in place by your life experiences.

What you fear will infect an otherwise normal response.

Where you are weak, will be challenged time and time again, urging you to shore up those weaknesses by choosing different...most often our failure is the most strongly felt by the child.

Sadly, we are asked to be the mother our mother's couldn't be, and tooled with dysfunctional tools she gave us.

When I seen the errors of my mother, I tried to do the opposite in hopes of sowing different results in my children; breaking the chain of dysfunction.

Dr. Maya Angelou says, "When you know better, you do better."  Which sounds so easy...and simple.  Stopping the harmful reflexes are not always easy.  

Children who come from mother's who are still wounded from their own childhood, know that hurt people hurt people.  You then begin motherhood hurt.

A hurting, wounded woman often looks to the child for comfort and happiness, to make her feel loved...the child's behavior then is to either make her happy or make her sad.  They become the happy switch....or anger switch. They control the mother's life.

When others celebrate Mother's Day, I feel oddly detached and maybe shameful for having such a complicated, hurtful, detachment from my own mother...the flowery singing of phrases seems foreign to me. And, my own rocky mothering to my children don't fit the phrases either.

It is almost like it is a false holiday...a day where we overlook all the failures and hurt and concentrate on the good.

I guess I just have complicated feelings about mother's day.

When I look towards my mother, there is a mountain of twisted hurt....when I look at my mothering, I see transformation.  But, at the same time I know the hurt I caused while not aware.

My reflections on mother's day are not in cards and quotes.

For those mother's out there who are trying to unravel or turn off the switch attached to our mother's feelings....I wish you strength.  

The hardest job you will ever do is to unplug your self from your mother's happiness. To no longer be responsible for her happiness or disappointment.  

This disconnection is crucial.

A mother who is unhurt will have plenty of space to allow her children the freedom to be who they were meant to be.  

May Mother's Day be a day of unplugging and being free!

 

I love you today!

Twenty-Six years ago today was our wedding day...I was 28, he 32. Hard to believe 26 years have gone by.  Our magic is that we didn't always agree or see life from the same view, but we always respected each other...even when mad...or more importantly when we disagreed.  We had to work into our life our differences. 

The greatest thing I learned from my husband is how to be your self.  

How to stand up for what you feel and to be stubborn about it.  The things that used to really upset me, are the same things I admire.  He was un-bendable....and still is...about who he is.

Once I stopped trying to change him or wish he was different... we got along much better...or I got along much better...I lovingly accepted.

I learned to respect his uniqueness and his unabashedly being himself, regardless of fashion, political correctness, other's wishes etc, he just lived life guided by his own inner sense of being.

What I can always count on is him being himself...peacefully so. Honestly. He doesn't expect others to think, feel or care like he does.  He just does himself, by himself, outstandingly...with reckless abandon.  A man with his own mind and sense of personal morals and values.  

Perhaps the only time he questions himself, is as a father.  A role that no man can know, but only can learn by doing, without knowing.  And can know better in hindsight. And yet, the greatest gift a father can give his children is to model being a strong individual, to love yourself by being yourself...and to love and respect their mother.  He has.

He has taught me love by being himself...and by respecting who I am. We both are allowed to be different...without consequences.  We respectfully go our own ways. 

Our love is unbound, free and strong...due to our personal freedom.

We don't complete each other, we are complete standing alone.

In the midst of my greatest breakdown, when I didn't know who I was or if our marriage would survive, I told him we will put our marriage on the floor, that we will work on each of us finding our center; on being who we are...and if in the end, we ended up with two people who no longer cared to be together, one of us would be strong enough to let the other go. That we both had to be strong and authentically our self...and not stay for the sake of the other's happiness, but we were free to stay or to go, if need be.  We ended up with "I love you today..." for we didn't know in the midst of so many changes, how this story would end.

And we still don't know.

What I do know, Is...I love you today!

 

 

Control of others.

I have been part of the discussion on the ex-toots blog  http://extoots.blogspot.com as we all discusss the consequences of extreme religions.

I feel those who stand in defense of the church are actually defending themselves against any life change.  They simply can't bear the consequences of being wrong.

While a woman's life has reached the extreme end of anguish, a baby's life is lost, the much larger more deeply felt is the shaking of their religious beliefs.

What would happen if the church would be found out, to be upheld by a wobbly foundation?  How much of their lives would collapse when it falls?

When a collective group have fashioned their lives and given up their own rights for a cause, for a belief that is larger than their self...it eclipses the self and they become it.  They become the church, they are part of the foundation, one of the bricks.

And, when the bricks begin to crumble and show their instability, then what?

Somehow we see the "Church" as being this higher power, this impotent god like untouchable person.  When in fact the church is made up of humans.  It is being lead by a collective board of humans, and preached by a human to other humans.

The collectiveness of these folks IS the church.  And yet, with the discussion on the ex-toots blog, it appears that the church is a non-human thing is what they are following...and IT is reading the bible and pulling out things that they should or should not do, and creates these rules and the rewards and or punishment.  Like a imagination game....but with real life consequences.  And all things have to be run through this non-human like thing, although the church is run by humans.

It is quite spectacular in its own mentalness.

The preachers are not willing to stand in the light of reality and claim clearly and succinctly how it is that they don't believe in woman's rights.  And the women who have given up their rights are looking to the 'church' to stand strong in saying how it will be impossible to get to heaven IF you take birth control.

What happens to the women who have abided by these rules to find out that they are not steadfast?  

How terrifyingly incredible it is to watch them speak out of both sides of their mouth, to see the twisting twirling sliding ungrasping of this rule in the light of murder.

No one wants to claim it as part of their faith.

How sad that this mother who killed her child doing what was deemed good and promising of heaven is now standing out there alone.

Her preachers are unable to articulate and own the path they set her upon.

They ARE responsible for preaching.  She is responsible for letting them control her body, until it became uncontrollable. 

A clear example of what happens when you take control of others...

 

What we want

As I have watched nature showing itself as Flooding, I watched the changing transformation....how it expanded and now how it is contracting, receding back into its normal size.

I have thought how it is a metaphor for life.  How we will have moments or events that will overflow, create difficulty in life.  We traverse them, grow, gain confidence, wisdom and then they too recede into our past.  A memory.

I was delighted yesterday morning to see the evidence of the river level dropping.

The snow banks are gone, and the chair stands...

This is the corner where the river found its exit....and it is still coming out, but much much slower.  And, further up the road there is a place where the river flows back in...like it is testing land for a bit...or perhaps Me.

What my jeep looks like after a rough day on the Spring roads.  I actually had to use my four- wheel drive to get out of the mud. But, on my way home yesterday, through the water, it washed the wheels.  A good under body flush while the river was up! 

See how green everything is beginning to turn...there are buds on the trees, but very small...a bit of warm weather and another transformation begins.

I guess what we love are pretty transformations, the ones that seem to require nothing of us, just our admiration upon completion.  But, the transformations that tear apart your insides, demand changes in behavior, etc we deem as 'bad'.

However, they are the ones who develop us.  Those transformations oddly are course corrections, they are taking away all that isn't our soul's purpose or what is right for us.  

Most of what I lost were toxic or dysfunctional or abusive.  I didn't lose love, peace and joy....it was through the transformation that I found them.

And how would we appreciate dry dusty roads, if we didn't have a foot of water to compare them to?  The contrasts of life gives us meaning, helps us navigate into what we want.